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Towelie
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Post subject:  Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 11:29 pm |
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What do you call a One Eyed three legged donkey??
A Winkey Wonkey 
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The Accountant =ACA=
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Post subject: Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 10:35 am |
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My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red
mark on His forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
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The Accountant =ACA=
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Post subject: Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 10:36 am |
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Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s*x.
MOST important....
4. These three women must NEVER meet
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The Accountant =ACA=
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Post subject: Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 11:17 am |
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money. So agree the price before you start.
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:"Have you been drinking Sir?" Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly Fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!
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KholdStare =GCHQ=
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Post subject: Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 11:37 am |
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| Warm look, more like. |
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Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 7:17 pm
Posts: 1125
Location: In my battleship ready to raid YOUR planet :D
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Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
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Sorry if that was long.
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12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
_________________ 
My Housdorff Besicovich dimension strictly exceeds my topological dimension! 
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Innocent Bystander
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Post subject: Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2005 8:46 am |
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What's the fastest cake in the world?
Scone.... 
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GeneralPublic=GCHQ=
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 7:40 am |
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| Saints ftw!! |
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 6:22 pm
Posts: 7877
Location: /dev/null
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A man walked into a chemist and said "Doctor I feel like a moth."
The chemist said "I think you need the doctors surgury next door."
And the man said "I know that, but I was passing and your light was on..."
_________________
Insert unfunny comment here ->
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Sgt. Slaughter
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Post subject: Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 7:20 pm |
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| I got a gun and everything |
Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2005 6:23 pm
Posts: 2000
Location: I don't know ...
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what do you call a fish with no eyes?
A FSH
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Two people are walking in the desert one says "I smell bacon, hey look theres a Bacon Tree"
"Theres no such thing as a Bacon tree its a Mirage"
The other person ignoring him runs to the tree 2 feet away from the tree he is gunned down with his last ounce of strength he goes to his friend and says "its a HAMbush" _________________ 
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aim_x_here
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Post subject: Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:07 pm |
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| The Librarian- OOK OOK! |
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Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2004 12:42 am
Posts: 4658
Location: tree
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a horse walks into a bar
the barman asks "why the long face?"
 _________________ Brother ANg-jung soon-um-bongo (Formerly Aim).  Mostly Harmful. Vive La France!I want my sig back!
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LeBeourfCurtaine
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Post subject: Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2005 10:22 pm |
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| Decidedly uninterested |
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Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 11:10 pm
Posts: 10184
Location: I watch you while you sleep
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A man walks into a post: "Ouch!"
_________________  The Pancreas of S.T.F.U. | Never take life too seriously - nobody gets out alive anyway. Disco_jim: um..... I have no excuse. | Chips: Thank the Beef | Rev Dr: Beef, I think i wee'd a little
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Karnage
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 9:54 pm |
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As we age, our priorities change ......
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
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Alkane
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Post subject: Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 10:55 pm |
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| I like BIG ones |
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Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2005 5:29 pm
Posts: 953
Location: Middle of nowhere....literally.
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A Scottish man, English man, n a irishman r sent to jail for 50 years, the Warden says their each allowed 1 request.
The Scottish man asks for as much food as he can eatwhile he's there.
The Englishman wants to have his wife live in his cell with him.
The Irish man asks for a lifes supply of cigarettes.
50 years later they are all released n continue with their lives, the scotish man goes home feeling full. The English man goes home with his wife. The Irishman walks over to a guard with a angry look on his face n says 'got a light'
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tankass
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Post subject: Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:47 pm |
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| Novice poster |
Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2005 8:25 pm
Posts: 56
Location: Blackburn
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wots pink and hard? - a pig with a flick knife
wots white and cant climb trees? - a fridge
how'd u make a blondes eyes light up? - shine a torch in her ears
wot do you call a blonde in between two brunettes? - an air pocket
wots a blonde's idea of safe sex? - locking the car door
a man walks into a bar with
a slab of tarmac under his arm and says a "drink and one for the road"
a sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says "im sorry we dont serve food here"
yo moomas so fat that wen she turned round they held a WELCME HOME party!
yo mommas so stupid that wen i told her xmas was around the corner she went and luked for it!
_________________
First they laugh at u, then they h8 u, then they fight u, then u win!
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FlitGun =GCHQ=
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:49 pm |
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| Super User |
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Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2004 5:40 pm
Posts: 768
Location: land of the long white cloud
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Why did the farmer call his pig 'ink'?
Because it ran all over the pen. sorry _________________ 
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Padawan_Porky
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:05 pm |
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| Stat Whore |
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Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:21 am
Posts: 919
Location: Warwickshire, England
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Why are condoms and women similar?
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Because they both spend far too much time in men's wallets!
_________________ Pipe down!
<img src=http://sigs.gamecommunity.co.uk/files/new/1177605918.jpg>
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